


A Man Without a Mask

by aj_linguistik



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bisexual Kirito, Canon Compliant, Character Death Follows Canon, F/F, F/M, For one Suguha doesn't want to date her brother, Former Kirito x Sachi, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nudity, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender Kirito, some canon divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2019-08-06 07:05:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16383572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aj_linguistik/pseuds/aj_linguistik
Summary: The anonymous world of MMORPGs allowed Kirigaya Kazuto to express himself for who he really was without being questioned- and he thought the same would hold true in the VRMMORPG, Sword Art Online. But when the creator forces everyone to show their true face while they are trapped in the death game, he's once again trapped in the reality that people can and will change how they see him based on a glance. His safe haven now a waking nightmare, Kazuto must find the confidence to still be himself despite the removal of his mask: an unquestionably male avatar.





	1. Prologue: Tell Me Something

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hello, as promised on my tumblr blog (@thegayfromrulid) I will be working on this- a ftm trans bi Kirito sorta retelling of canon. As a ftm trans bi myself, I wanted to write something that represented a little bit of myself in my favorite boy. Note, the tags do include later arcs than the Aincrad arc- I plan to go as long as I can and just touch on everything, so be patient with me please. Also, please understand that my trans/bi experience is not universal and that how I write it will not apply to all trans/bi people- I am using myself as a point of reference, and his interactions will be largely based on reactions I personally have received.

            “So, tell me one thing about yourself that I don’t know.”

            By all rights, I shouldn’t have still been at the hospital. Visiting hours were long gone. Yet no one had come in to remove me from her bedside. They remained preoccupied with the arrest of Sugou Nobuyuki down in the parking lot. I glanced out of the window at the snow falling down, wondering if now was a decent time to say something.

            “Uh, what sort of thing?” I asked, stalling for time.

            Asuna laughed quietly and smiled at me.

            “Oh, anything,” she said. “It can be simple or deep—doesn’t matter to me. Although I’d prefer something about Kazuto, and not just Kirito. Something about the real you.”

            _The real me, huh?_

            I felt a warm feeling from being called Kazuto. Asuna didn’t know how good it felt to hear that name. How could she? From her perspective, she likely assumed that everyone called me that. I wished that were true. So many people still used my deadname. I didn’t want to ruin the relationship I’d built with her by coming out to her, but if I wanted to eventually marry her, I would have to say something eventually. Why not now?

            “How about something kind of serious?” I asked.

            She tilted her head at me.

            “Well, it might change how you look at me,” I said, staring down at my hands. “It’s not a topic I’ve brought up with you before, so I don’t know how you feel about the subject. It was hard to make friends offline because of it, so…”

            Asuna reached over and placed her hand on top of mine.

            “This really worries you, doesn’t it?” she asked.

            I nodded, subconsciously lifting my other hand up to touch the spot on my chest where my binder stopped. Talking in this roundabout way made me wonder if she could tell it was there. Seeing my unusual gesture, she glanced at the spot where my fingers met my shirt and then back up to my face.

            “Are you scared to tell me?” she asked.

            Finally meeting her gaze, I gave her a small smile.

            “A little,” I said. “It’s scary to tell anyone. But usually, I’m correcting them, not thanking them.”

            She tilted her head again.

            “Correcting?” she repeated. “Correcting them on what?”

            I drew in my breath. Now seemed like a good time to up and say it.

            “My name,” I said. “It’s hard to get people to call me Kazuto.”

            She laughed a little.

            “Well, that is a bit forward,” she said.

            I shook my head. Of course, stating it like that made it seem like I was asking people to address me informally. I placed my palm against my forehead and groaned. Perfect timing—horrible execution.

            “That’s not what I meant,” I said, still shaking my head.

            It was so frustrating. Why couldn’t I just come out and say it? She was my girlfriend. If I could trust in anyone, it was Asuna. I started tearing up, irritated with myself. Asuna, of course, noticed I was crying and touched her hand to my cheek. She used her thumb to brush some of my tears away.

            “I meant…I meant that Kazuto’s not my birth name,” I said.

            She frowned at me.

            “What do you mean by that?” she asked.

            Immediately feeling put on the spot, I turned away from her and wrapped my arms around myself. I felt pressure on my back. She started to gently rub it. Asuna likely worried about me, having never seen me so conflicted over something.

            “My birth name…is…a…girl’s name…” I stammered.

            Wow, that wasn’t smooth at all.

            “A…girl’s name?” Asuna repeated. “Is it embarrassing?”

            She still didn’t get it. I sighed and shook my head.

            “Asuna,” I said. “I don’t like it because it reminds me that I wasn’t born a guy.”

            Silence. Half of me wanted to turn around to see what sort of face she was making. The other half feared her reaction. Giving in to the former, I slowly turned my head, biting into my lip as I did so. Her eyes were wide with what I could only assume was shock. She did precisely what I feared she would do—she dropped her gaze to my chest.

            “Could you…not…do that?” I mumbed.

            “H-huh?” she finally stammered, forcing her eyes back up to mine.

            I subconsciously crossed my arms over my chest. Now that I knew she was paying attention, I didn’t want to risk a comment of whether or not my binder was doing its job. Her eyes dropped a second time, even further.

            “Asuna, please don’t…” I begged.

            “I’m sorry, I just…I never…I always assumed…” she said, stumbling over her words.

            She sat back a little and twiddled her thumbs.

            “My goal was to pass as male,” I said, knitting my brow a little. “And it still is. I’d really rather you assume I have the matching parts…”

            Asuna made a weird face and then burst out laughing.

            “What’s so funny?” I asked.

            She held up a finger, telling me to wait a moment. Once the laugh was out of her system, she wiped the edge of her eye and smiled at me, looking a little relieved.

            “This actually explains a lot,” she said. “That’s probably why you turned me down when I stripped into my underwear. You didn’t want me to know that your avatar matched your sex, did you?”

            I relaxed a little and turned back towards her, putting my hands down.

            “Well, excuse me for presuming, but I doubted heavily that you wanted to see something that didn’t fit your expectations,” I said. “I was more scared of immediate rejection, or worse, facing you as you called me a girl.”

            “If it makes you feel any better, I can’t tell,” she said, awkwardly motioning to my body. “If you had never said anything, I would have never been able to guess it.”

            I frowned.

            “It’s not like I _want_ people to look at me and say they can tell,” I mumbled.

            Asuna bit her lip and stared down at her hands, unsure of what else to say. This conversation was getting more awkward than I wanted it to. She likely wasn’t meaning to offend me; I felt somewhat obligated to remember that a lot of her responses were based on ignorance.

            “I don’t know if it’s alright to ask this, but,” Asuna said, “would you mind helping me understand? Maybe tell me what it’s been like. I’m sure you were dealing with more than I could wrap my mind around when I met you…weren’t you?”

            I blinked at her.

            “You want…me to explain what it was like for me to…?” I trailed off.

            “To be stuck in that avatar for two years,” she said. “I mean, you probably first logged in as a male avatar, right?”

            I nodded.

            “That’s right,” I said. “Because after experiencing VR for the first time, I learned I could be in the body that was most comfortable for me. And Kayaba took that bit of comfort away from me just like that.”

            She leaned forward and placed her hand on top of mine.

            “So, please,” she said. “Help me understand. Because right now, it looks like I’m only making you feel uncomfortable. And I don’t want that.”

            I locked eyes with her and felt myself smile a little as she gave me a pleading, apologetic look. She really wanted to know. I glanced down at the sheets and drew in a breath. This was my chance to unpack the pent-up feelings I still held tightly within my heart.

            “Okay,” I said. “I’ll start with my first encounter with Klein…”


	2. The Removal of the Mask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: First and foremost- wow, thanks for all of the attention. 234 hits for ONE chapter? I've never. I feel like I really have to up my game. As expected from the end of the first chapter, this is a sorta rewrite scene. It's hard to rewrite specifically this scene, since it's already so iconic that even people who aren't in the fandom tend to know it. I promise I'll add more original content later, there's only so much I can do with the face reveal. I want to in other chapters touch on how to handle dysphoria in an environment with restrictions like this. It took me a week to get this. Thanks to @lottiesgf on tumblr for sending some good writing/mental health vibes.

            The beauty of a virtual world that you could immerse yourself in lay in the fact that you could completely take on a new body. It was a way to hide from the face you stared back at in the mirror every single day in reality. I’m sure the other beta testers thought similarly, but if they weren’t going to ask about me, I certainly wasn’t going to ask about them. We all had our different reasons for wanting to be involved in a game like Sword Art Online—I was no different.

            I glanced over my shoulder at my bedroom door and hummed. From downstairs, I could hear my sister, Suguha, as she moved about, probably throwing things in a bag to run off to a kendo event or practice. Her footsteps started getting closer, thudding on the staircase. My door slid open a little ways, revealing her face. She frowned at me.

            “Are you just gonna sit in here all day, big sister?” she asked, tilting her head.

            My mouth tasted sour. Even though I had never mentioned it to Suguha, being called her sister gave me an awful feeling. That feeling was difficult to describe; repulsed might be a good word for it. I must have scowled, because she gave me an irritated look and crossed her arms.

            “I’m just saying, you’ve been really moody lately and don’t leave the room much,” she said. “And don’t tell me you need to be up here beta whatevering. We’re worried. You don’t talk to us or anything. At least tell me you won’t play that stupid game all day?”

            Sighing, I turned away from her and glanced over at the Nervegear sitting on my bed. She read me like a book. As soon as she left, I planned to don that machine and dive into the game. Today was different than the other times, though—today, the game’s beta period was over. I’d be starting from scratch amongst other players, some who were beta testers like me and others who would be completely new to Sword Art Online and virtual reality full dive technology in general. I couldn’t expect Suguha to understand that, though.

            “Not a single reply,” she said.

            She sighed.

            “What do you want me to say?” I asked.

            Frustrated, she slammed my door shut and shouted from behind it.

            “I’m going to kendo practice! Bye!”

            I listened to her stomp down the stairs, snatch up her things, and then slam the front door. Turning my head to look out of the window, I watched her dash down the street, muttering something to herself that was likely just an outlet for her irritation with me. She would forget about it in an hour and when we saw each other at dinner, everything would be awkward and silent as usual.

            For now, I sat down on my bed, plugged in the Nervegear, slipped it onto my head, and laid down. Dwelling on how uncomfortable interactions with my family were helped nothing. Now that I had a burning desire to tell them I’d been introducing myself as a boy to classmates, every interaction felt worse than the last. How could I so easily assert myself as a guy at school, but when I came home I melted and just played the girl part? Even then, school wasn’t easy; I just was more vocal there.

            The only place I didn’t find any trouble being myself was in a floating castle that I only entered through this strange portal attached to my head. My eyes slipped closed. I had to forget about things as well.

            “Link start.”

            I had to forget, even if just for a few hours, that I wasn’t a coward.

            When my eyes snapped open, a somewhat familiar sight filled my eyes. I stood in a courtyard beneath a bright blue sky—although when I looked up at that “sky,” I knew it was just the bottom of the second floor above me, designed to mimic a sky. Taking a deep breath, I looked down at myself and smiled, pressing one hand against my chest.

            “That’s better,” I mumbled.

            Relieved to be back in a safe space, I dashed off, already knowing where to head from this point. I zipped around a corner, without a single care as to who I ran past. A few people turned their heads, probably instantly pinning me as a beta tester, since I seemed to know where I was going. Most people just glanced in my direction, but one guy stepped out and waved at me.

            “Hey!”

            I came to an abrupt stop and looked him up and down. He appeared to be an adult of average height, had long red hair, a bandana, and the usual starter equipment on. Appreciative that I’d stopped, he bowed his head and gave me a friendly smile.

            “You seem to know your way around,” he said. “Would you mind giving me some pointers?”

            It hadn’t been on my list of things to do when I dove in today—I’d planned out some events I wanted to tackle to restart my progress from the beta. Helping this random new guy didn’t achieve any of those goals, but I supposed it couldn’t hurt. Besides, it was a chance to make another guy friend online, where I’d been seen as just another male player.

            “Uh, sure…” I said.

            He made a fist and pumped it in the air.

            “Great!” he said, and then he pointed a thumb at his chest. “The name’s Klein. And you are?”

            Raising one eyebrow curiously, I smiled back at him.

            “Kirito.”

 

            Helping Klein certainly took more time than I’d expected. As someone completely new to VR and being in a full dive, he needed more than just directions and suggestions for what quests to take. He had trouble using his starter weapons and opening menus and the like. I couldn’t blame him; up until this game, all games literally had labeled buttons. Klein was used to being a gamer with his hands alone, not with an avatar he sensed like it was his own body.

            “Man, I guess I’ll get used to it eventually,” he said, wiping his brow.

            I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

            “I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it,” I said. “But we’ve been at this a while. Didn’t you say your friends were going to be diving in and you wanted to meet up with them?”

            Klein straightened up and grasped the sides of his head.

            “Ah, shit!” he exclaimed. “I was totally supposed to logout, eat, and then dive back in to meet with them. I guess I’ll hurry up and get dinner.”

            Now that he mentioned it, dinner was likely needing to be prepared at my own home. It was a special circumstance where my mother would be home for dinner, so I had to actually be social to a point. He called up his menu while I frowned about the mental image of an awkward dinner with my mom and sister.

            “Hey, weird question,” Klein said.

            I shot him a look and raised an eyebrow.

            “Where’s the logout option?” he asked.

            Sighing, I called up my own menu and made it visible to him. I pointed at the spot and then frowned, turning the menu back around to myself. Where my finger hovered, there existed no option to logout. I blinked a few times and tried to scroll.

            “Don’t tell me you forgot,” Klein said.

            “I didn’t forget, it’s not there,” I said, very matter-of-factly.

            Accepting my word on the matter, Klein immediately began to mine yanking something off his head. I frowned and stared at him for a moment before realizing what he was trying to do. He wanted to remove the Nervegear. I shook my head at him.

            “It doesn’t work like that,” I said. “The Nervegear sends signals to your brain that stops your actual body from moving. You can’t just make motions in the game and take it off of your head. I’ll try calling a GM.”

            I selected the option to contact a game master, hoping to connect to someone and get an idea of what was going on. If our menus didn’t display the logout button, then likely other people were having the same issue. After an uncomfortable waiting period, I decided no one was going to answer for the time being.

            “Whoa! What’s going on?” Klein exclaimed.

            My attention was on him for a breath and then suddenly we were both unexpectedly transported back to the center of the Town of Beginnings. I whirled around, taking in the large courtyard. It was packed full of players, all equally confused about being forced to teleport back to the same spot. Klein was on my right, turning around to check his surroundings.

 

            “I remember this part,” Asuna said, staring down at her hands. “I mean, not the part where you and Klein were together, I didn’t know you met on the first day. But I remember being scared because I didn’t know what was going on. And then when the commander showed up like that and told us we were trapped…a lot of things went through my head.”

            I couldn’t help but laugh.

            “What’s so funny?” she asked.

            I shook my head.

            “I remember you had a lot on your plate,” I said. “But you seemed so genuinely clueless at first that I wasn’t sure what to do with you.”

            “Hey!” she exclaimed, reaching over and smacking my arm.

            She sighed and sat back against the bed.

            “It’s not like you came off pleasantly to me, either,” she muttered.

            Turning my head away from her, I rolled my eyes.

            “You want me to skip the part about Kayaba, then?” I asked.

            She nodded. I guess I could understand why she didn’t want to hear that part again. It was a moment in both of our lives that signaled a frightening change. We were ripped away from the normal life we knew and plunged into a reality that wasn’t even real—but the repercussions of what we did in that reality still left marks on us. Relationships, life, death—it all still mattered in that fake world.

            “Well, I feel the point of this first part is Klein’s reaction, right?” Asuna asked.

            I cocked my head a little.

            “I mean, when the commander revealed all of our real faces,” she said. “Didn’t people who were also playing as the opposite sex have their avatar’s sex changed as well?”

            Frowning, I nodded.

            “That would be correct,” I said, rubbing my thumbs together. “As soon as I looked in the mirror, my stomach dropped…”

 

            The beauty and safety of anonymity online meant that I could be anyone I wanted to be other than myself. But Kayaba Akihiko stripped that power away from all of us in a single moment. Seeing my face in that mirror told me that Klein saw me as I normally appeared on the outside. I glanced back at his rugged-looking face and then my eyes dropped down to look at my body.

            “No…” I mumbled. “Please, no…I can’t be stuck in here like this…”

            I glanced nervously back at Klein, whose mouth fell open as he stared at me. I wrapped my arms over my chest and turned my body away from him, keeping my eyes glued to him. He waved a finger up and down, pointing at me in shock.

            “From the way your voice sounds, I would have never guessed you were actually a girl,” he said.

             Nausea built up in my stomach just from hearing those words. My safe space had been shattered and now I had to listen to this guy call me something I wasn’t. A part of me wanted to fight for myself and angrily respond, but the coward in me made me turn on my heel and bolt away from him, even as Kayaba continued to speak.

            “Hey, wait, Kirito!” he exclaimed.

            My feet numbly ran out of the courtyard on autopilot. I had no specific destination, I just had to get away from Klein before he called me a girl again. As soon as I squeezed my way out of the panicking crowd and slipped down a pathway, I stumbled and fell down beside a door. Even though I didn’t need to breathe, I drew in breaths so rapidly that I might have passed out were this the real world. Footsteps sounded behind me.

            “Kirito?”

            I tried to pick myself up in my panic and ended up half-standing and tripping over my own feet as I waved for him to stay back. Klein stared at me almost sympathetically. He must have wanted to help me, but I was on guard now. I glared back at him sideways, making sure not to face him with my body.

            “What…do you want…?” I managed.

            He took a step forward. I awkwardly shoved myself further away.

            “Hey, what’s the matter, man?” Klein asked. “Or…uh…g—”

            “Don’t say it!” I exclaimed, putting a hand up.

            He tilted his head at me, confused.

            “Don’t call me that,” I said, still trying to slow my breathing. “Please. Don’t…think of me as any different than who you saw before all of that.”

            Klein crossed his arms over his chest.

            “I don’t really get it, but sure,” he said. “You started out playing as a guy for a reason, so you’d like to keep it that way. But my face got revealed, too. I think we’re all a bit in shock from it, so there’s no need to get so worked up about it.”

            In a moment of adrenaline, I leapt back to my feet and slapped Klein’s cheek, even though I knew he wouldn’t feel it. He took a step back, surprised at me. I glared up at him, unsure of what to follow up with. Figuring I had to say something, I decided to accuse the system itself.

            “I’m not a girl!” I told him. “The stupid thing messed it up!”

            I turned on my heel and started to march away from him, but he reached out and grasped me by the shoulder.

            “I don’t really understand why this is upsetting you so much,” Klein said, “but if you come stick with me and my friends, we’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you. Running off on your own is just going to get you hurt.”

            Beyond frustrated, I jerked my shoulder away from him and took a few steps back, making sure I was facing him. I reached up and rubbed my shoulder where he’d touched me. Drawing in a breath, I stuck my chin out a little.

            “I don’t need your help,” I said curtly.

            He tilted his head to the side and frowned, making sure he didn’t make eye contact with me.

            “I was a beta tester, remember?” I said. “If anyone should watch his back, it should be you, don’t you think?”

            His silence confirmed it. He knew I was right.

            “Are you sure you want to be alone?” he asked. “You’ve only got one life. This isn’t like the beta test. Having someone to watch your back in case your HP gets low wouldn’t be such a bad idea, you know. Do you at least have some friends you can meet up with?”

            There was nothing wrong with his logic. In fact, his idea boosted his chances of survival. Staying with a group meant that people could switch out, defend each other, and work out strategies that lowered casualties.

            “Go find your friends, Klein,” I said, turning my back on him. “And just forget about me.”

            I broke into a sprint again, heading directly out of the city.

            “Kirito, wait!” he shouted.

            I couldn’t risk him being near me any longer. He’d seen the real me for long enough that I was on the verge of tears. I ran until the buildings vanished and my feet hit the dirt of the open path towards the next town. With no one around, I dropped to my knees in the middle of the path and let out a scream.

            My mask had been torn off my face. The only thing left to do was decide: did I want to face this reality with nothing else to hide behind? Or did I want to beat the game and face my own again?


	3. Finding a Comfort Zone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A short chapter, a little separate from the main storyline of the anime. I will be adding some original content like this occasionally instead of just retelling the anime, and I did get an ask about including SAO Progressive content. If enough people want it, I will write a second one where it follows Progressive, but since I want to cover arcs after Aincrad, I would get stopped at where Progressive is really fast trying to maintain chronology. So this fic will follow the anime with some original content, but I might add a related but separate fic for adding in Progressive bits.

            I resorted to performing tasks on my own. If no one was around me long enough to notice that my avatar was female, then I at least wouldn’t have to worry about them referring to me as a girl. Clothing that dropped for me was, to my dismay, meant to be worn by female avatars. Thus, I decided to work on a skill I’d never thought I’d need in a videogame—sewing.

            On a particular day not all that long after the start of the game, I slipped into a shop to buy materials for creating clothing. It was the first time I’d entered a semi-busy shop since the end of the beta, so I tried my best to keep my face hidden from other players who were present in hopes that they wouldn’t try to interact with me. Unfortunately, someone I should have anticipated running into again from the beta decided to prove that hiding wouldn’t do any good.

            “Buying fabrics, missy? What on earth for?”

            I jumped back away from the table, staring at the girl leaning over the fabrics from the opposite side. She had short brown hair that was mostly hidden from view by a hood and three whiskers painted on each cheek. Blinking, I couldn’t help but blurt out that despite her face being her own now, I knew who she was based on those markings alone.

            “Argo!”

            She hummed.

            “Oh, you know me?” she said, grinning. “Not much of a surprise there. I’m real popular considering I sell information. Your voice sounds a little familiar, though.”

            Embarrassed that she could even detect my voice as someone she knew from the beta, I hurriedly waved my hands. I had to make sure she didn’t know it was me she was talking to. I pressed the fabrics in my arms against my chest to hide it and tugged at the unwanted skirt, begging it to cover more of my legs.

            “I-I don’t believe I’ve done business with you before,” I said, averting my gaze. “I’ve only heard about you. I don’t really have enough col for anything, so I really should just buy these and get going.”

            Argo chuckled to herself and leaned her chin against her palm. The way she grinned made my stomach drop. She then came around the table and leaned up against my side, raising an eyebrow at me suspiciously.

            “Your voice sounds _really_ familiar,” she said.

            I quickly selected the option to purchase the fabrics, which of course made them vanish into my inventory, losing my protective layer over my chest. I crossed my arms over the spot and then marched outside, hoping that Argo would get the hint. But, as to be expected of the Rat, she was persistent and followed me outside.

            “You’re definitely a beta tester,” she said. “I’m an information broker because I can memorize lots and lots of things. So, I wouldn’t forget a voice so easily. What I’d really like to know is where you’ve been hiding for the past week—”

            I shut my eyes tightly.

            “—Kirito?”

            Of course, she remembered my voice. I cast her a nervous glance. She had this smug look on her face. I scrunched up my shoulders and kept walking. Argo kept up with me, a few paces behind, until she noticed I’d left the safe zone and was heading in the direction of a dungeon just to lose her. She stopped walking and huffed.

            “Is something the matter with you?” she asked. “Because you don’t normally high-tail it away from me. I’m slightly offended. You were such a good customer in the beta, why run away from me now?”

            I stopped in my tracks and tightened my arms around myself. She came up behind me and placed a hand on my back. I wanted to brush that hand off, but at the same time, it felt comforting. I dropped to the grass on my knees and hung my head.

            “Hey, what’s wrong?” she asked.

            Argo came around in front of me and crouched down, trying to get a glimpse of my eyes. She met them for just a second before I turned my head the opposite way. She reached over and pressed her fingers against my cheek.

            “I didn’t want anyone to see me like this,” I said quietly.

            She tilted her head in confusion.

            “Like what?” she asked. “Like your real face? None of us wanted our real faces revealed. We’re a bunch of introverted gamers who liked our anonymity. I understand not wanting your face revealed. It’s kinda intrusive.”

            I shook my head.

            “But it’s not the same for you!” I exclaimed. “You’re really a girl.”

            Argo looked me up and down and raised her eyebrows.

            “So, you’re a boy who got stuck with a girl’s avatar somehow, then?” she said.

            She was concluding something that sounded pretty odd, but at the same time the tone in her voice told me that she was saying things in a roundabout way because she got my implication. Her lips twitched into a sympathetic smile and then she patted my head. I blinked up at her, unsure of what to say.

            “The system should allow you to craft men’s clothing and wear it, but I’d need to test a few things to make adjustments to your avatar’s chest,” she said, pointing directly at my sternum. “What do you say? For a thousand col, I’ll help you solve the chest issue in a private room, with no extra charges for whatever materials I use.”

            My mouth hung open for a moment and then I nodded.

            “S-sure!” I said.

            She gave me a satisfied smile.

            “Great,” she said. “Follow me.”

 

            The most uncomfortable part of this activity was having to take my top off and wear nothing but the default underwear piece for my avatar. Argo reassured me that it didn’t bother _her_ , but I couldn’t find the right way to express that _her_ comfort wasn’t the issue here. She wanted to test the system to see how we could trick it into making me look more flat-chested. That combined with the crafted pants would certainly help a little with dysphoria.

            “Hmm, this shouldn’t be too hard,” Argo said, staring at me. “But first, I need to know if we can flatten before we resort to trying to trick the system into letting you wear baggy clothing.”

            She took what looked like a scarf and held it up in her hands. I frowned. Argo had me lift both of my arms up just enough so that she could slip the scarf around me and then told me to relax again. She then pulled the fabric as tight as she could and tied a knot around me so that she could observe me from different angles.

            “This…is ridiculous,” I said.

            Argo scoffed.

            “I’m not using the scarf as a binder,” she said. “I’m trying to get an idea for how easy it is to flatten them without doing something creepy. Unless you want me to use my hands to see how much give the system allows for.”

            I waved my hands in front of me wildly and shook my head.

            “No, no, no!” I said. “Don’t do that!”

            She laughed at my flustered reaction.

            “See?” she said. “It’s much less intrusive if I use something else to try and flatten you. It looks like we could use fabric to fashion some kind of binder. One second, let me work with these fabrics and see if I can work something out.”

            I reached behind my back to try and untie the scarf, but my fingers couldn’t grasp the right ends to pull it loose. Argo set about using her materials to craft something as I tried to remove the scarf. When she turned back around, I was still awkwardly bent around trying to untie the scarf. She held up a strip of cloth and dropped it into my hand.

            “Try swapping your bra for this,” she said.

            Frowning at the mention of the dreaded clothing article, I turned and walked into the bathroom, out of sight of Argo, and then immediately walked back outside to ask her to remove the scarf. She just laughed, untied it, and then gave me a slap on the back. I gave her a pointed look before returning to the bathroom. Finally comfortable enough, I called up my equipment mannequin and swapped Argo’s creation for the default underclothing item.

            I stared down at myself and frowned. I quickly equipped a shirt and tentatively ran my hands down my front. Her makeshift binder did a pretty decent job. With the shirt on, I looked relatively flat-chested.

            “So, does it work for ya?” Argo asked, stepping into the doorway.

            Turning around, I glanced down at myself again before looking over at her. She had a smug look on her face, something akin to an “I told ya so” expression.

            “I…think it looks okay,” I said. “In general, it feels better. Do you think it looks okay?”

            She gave me a thumbs’ up.

            “I think you look pretty manly, if it’s not too bold to say,” Argo said.

            Smiling, I thanked her for helping and gave her the promised payment for the materials. She ended up refusing the money, saying it felt like she was making money off of my discomfort. When she left, I curled up on my side in the bed and sighed. It didn’t fix the issue completely, but it helped immensely.

            “This could maybe work…” I muttered.

            I reached over and turned the light off. I didn’t bother to take the binder off as I felt myself dozing off. At the time, I had no idea if this was a safe idea or not, but for the moment, I didn’t care. For then, I felt comfortable.

            And just then, that was all I needed.


	4. The Specs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It's been a long time, I know. I'm trying to at least make this nice and personal to my experience as a trans guy, and I get stuck between things I WISH people would say and things I KNOW people have actually said to me. I say this a lot but I don't want other trans people assuming I'm speaking for us universally. I can only base him off of myself. As for the story itself, I don't wanna stick to a direct re-write, so there will be original scenes like this chapter. I hope that will make it more interesting than just re-writing certain scenes, since we know what happens in canon and some of that won't change just because he's not cis. Anyways, happy 2019.

            “That actually explains a lot,” Asuna said. “Like, I get that the point was for me to _not_ notice your avatar was wrong, but we met not too long after everything started. It’s almost weird that I hadn’t noticed.”

            I frowned and crossed my arms.

            “Well, like you said, that was kind of the point,” I told her. “I’m a guy, you shouldn’t have seen me as anything else.”

            She nodded.

            “Not sure I have the right words, but you do an excellent job of it,” she said, waving at me with a smile.

            Unprepared for such a comment, I unintentionally laughed. Asuna put her hands over her mouth, assuming she’d said something wrong. I shook my head and took her hands in mine. She seemed perplexed.

            “Don’t feel bad,” I said. “It makes me feel good to know that.”

            I gently squeezed her fingers for reassurance.

            “So…tell me, then…how exactly did the binder thing work?” she asked. “Or rather, how does it work at all? Like, you’re wearing something like that right now, aren’t you?”

            Under normal circumstances, I doubt I would have just shown anyone something like that, but since she seemed eager to learn, I checked to make sure no one was coming in and pulled my shirt up to show her how it fastened on the side.

            “I know there’s different kinds, but this has clasps kinda similar to bra clasps on the side under my arm,” I said, pointing them out. “It is a compression garment, so I can’t wear it for more than eight hours or so. I also can’t exercise in it or lift heavy things and my arm movement is somewhat restricted if I’m lifting my arms up.”

            She gingerly touched the fastening clasps. Feeling a bit less comfortable, I cleared my throat and dropped my shirt back down. She quickly pulled her hand back. I smoothed out my shirt, quietly relieved that no one else had walked in.

            “In SAO, of course, I only had to equip it,” I said. “And in safe zones it didn’t bother me at all. I could walk around all day in it if I didn’t leave a safe zone. But remember how I tested the picks back when we thought people were being murdered in a safe zone?”

            Asuna frowned at me.

            “Yes, I distinctly remember when you took your own pick, stabbed your hand with it, and then casually walked into the town with it stuck in your hand,” she said, unamused.

            I put both of my hands up defensively as she glared at me. I hadn’t realized that simple test had bothered her so much. Clearly, I was fine, so there was nothing to worry about in the least. She puffed her cheeks up a little and sat back.

            “My point is that it still affected my avatar status when I left the safe zones,” I said. “After about the same amount of time that I should take a real binder off, I’d start losing HP slowly unless I either took it off or walked into a safe zone. At first, I tried to make sure I quickly took it off and re-equipped it when I out of sight of prying eyes.”

            Asuna frowned.

            “I never noticed you losing HP slowly like that,” she noted.

            I laughed.

            “Silly me eventually remembered that I could reset the time limit pretty quickly if people were distracted enough,” I said.

            And that was true enough. When no one was looking for me to randomly change some equipment, people didn’t usually turn and notice. I’m sure someone had to have seen it along the way; they could have just as easily written it off as looking at me funny or perhaps a glitch in the lighting engine.

            “Did anyone besides Klein and Argo find out?” Asuna asked, raising an eyebrow.

            I grabbed the back of my head and frowned as I ran my fingers through my hair. We had discussed a certain group before, but it still didn’t make it an easy topic. I jumped when I felt Asuna’s fingertips brush against my arm.

            “Kirito?”

            “S-sorry,” I said. “There was, in fact, someone else who knew.”

           

            I checked to make sure no one was around to bother me before slumping down into a chair at a local NPC restaurant. A few hours of my absence followed by the excuse that I was out grinding probably would suffice for Keita. I tapped at the menu, ordering something to eat, and then leaned over the table.

            A little while before coming here, I’d run into Klein again. He still seemed pretty shocked that I’d joined a guild. I didn’t care to explain the details to him. It was hard to refuse when they were all so nice to me. They clearly didn’t know me as the jerk that stood up at the first floor boss fight and declared himself some kind of cheating beta tester. Of course, Asuna had reminded me a few times during our partnership that aside from people who were around me more often, literally no one else trapped in here cared.

            While there was no function to recreate the physical responses tied to guilt and regret, thinking of Asuna practically had me feeling sick to my stomach and tight in the chest. When the NPC server set down a bowl of food next to me, I shoved that thought to the back of my mind, said a word of thanks, and then started to shovel food into my mouth. I almost finished the whole bowl when a familiar voice startled me.

            “Kirito, can we talk about something?”

            I dropped my utensil and stared in front of me, blinking. At some point, Sachi had slipped into the NPC restaurant without me noticing and taken a seat in front of me. I finished chewing what was in my mouth, cleared my throat and then leaned forward.

            “Is…is this about the other night?” I asked. “About what I said?”

            She shook her head.

            “Oh, no, it’s not about that,” she said. “But I am grateful to you for that. No, I wanted to ask a more…personal question.”

            I picked up my drink and took a sip.

            “Personal?” I repeated.

            Sachi bit her lip, stared down at the table, and then gave a slight nod. I wasn’t sure what sort of personal thing she wanted to discuss, but considering our rather deep conversation a few days before, I figured she must have felt close enough to me to consider a conversation personal.

            “I…I kind of…saw…” she said, refusing to make eye contact with me.

            I frowned.

            “Saw what?” I asked. “Did something happen?”

            She shook her head again, this time with a bit more vigor.

            “No, Kirito, like I said…it’s personal,” she said, finally lifting her head to look at me.

            For a breath, our eyes met. Then, her eyes turned back downwards. But she didn’t stare down at the table again. Her eyes were glued to my chest. I felt panic start to set in, somewhere deep in my brain. I wrapped my fingers a little tighter around the cup in my hand.

            “The other night, I guess you didn’t think I was awake,” she said slowly. “You removed your shirt and were looking at what was under it. I presumed it was a bra, but…I don’t recall seeing any clothing items like it among undergarments.”

            She was correct in saying I’d presumed she was asleep. Sachi had started sleeping in my room because she was scared. That was all well and fine, but I’d not expected her to see me inspecting my binder for its durability. She must have rolled over to see what I was still doing out of bed and seen it.

            “I guess I just wanted to ask,” she said, looking back into my eyes again. “What was that?”

            I wasn’t sure how to respond to that question at first. I’d been anticipating being asked if I was “actually a girl” or some related nonsense. Her question, however, seemed rather innocent, from the perspective of someone simply curious. I couldn’t just accept it as innocent, though. Who knew what she was thinking and not saying?

            “It’s a chest binder,” I said.

            The important thing, I felt, was being honest with her. A silly thing for me to think, I suppose, when I lied to our entire guild about my numbers. But I needed to work up the courage to be truthful with them, so starting here wasn’t such a bad idea.

            Sachi tilted her head as she thought about my response. In my experience, cisgender people didn’t necessarily just know about the kinds of clothing that a transgender friend might wear to adjust how they looked, but I could hope that perhaps she knew something about acting or cosplay. She gave me a clueless look, begging for a little help with her eyes.

            “Okay,” I said, glancing around the room. “It flattens…you know…the chest area.”

            She raised her eyebrows in surprise and leaned in, lowering her voice.

            “Are you implying that it’s used to…flatten breasts?” she asked.

            She probably didn’t mean it the way I heard it. I didn’t want to focus on the fact that this was, of course, the intention of the binder. A part of me regretted telling her that, but I gave her a weak nod nonetheless. Sachi sat back, nodding to herself.

            “I see,” she said.

            And then, her follow-up puzzled me.

            “Your secret’s safe with me,” she said, standing up and walking over to me.

            To my surprise, she leaned over and gave me a very brief hug. Before I could respond, Sachi was already out of the door. I didn’t know if I needed to clarify something with her or not, but at least I could trust the fact that she wouldn’t tell the others. I stared at the now closed door, lost in thought.

            Unlike Klein, she’d taken it rather well. But unlike Argo, she possessed very little understanding of this. I couldn’t decide whether that bothered me or not. So long as she used my correct pronouns, did I really care so much? I wasn’t sure. I thought, perhaps, that time might smooth things out.

            I didn’t know then how little time I had left to decide how it made me feel.


	5. Courage from Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It has been a hot minute or so. I apologize so much. ;-; I'm seeing a bit of interest in a Progressive-based bit of this, so next time I'm feeling stuck I'll add that for those interested! I'm glad that this has received such positive feedback. 
> 
> I will note that this kinda diverts canon a little bit, but not enough to change anything plot-relevant. Also due to stuff in this chapter, I think I'll update my tags since I wasn't sure if I'd include this or not.

            Having Sachi know felt like a weight off of my chest. She never once slipped up with my pronouns, nor did she mention anything to the other members of the Moonlit Black Cats. It was somehow different than Argo knowing—Argo knew practically everything about everyone. Her support was appreciated, but it still didn’t feel the same when it came to Sachi.

            We’d eventually found ways to be alone together, which opened up a lot more conversations. For one, I was able to calmly explain to her what it meant to be transgender. She asked a lot of innocent questions; when did I first know, how did certain things make me feel, how did my family feel about my identity, and so on. Her curiosity never crossed uncomfortable lines, and she always asked if she could ask more sensitive questions.

            Towards the beginning of the second December trapped in SAO, Sachi and I had traveled out into woods blanketed in snow. We talked about how out in the real world neither of us had ever had the chance to do something like this. Being from the city, a vast forest covered with thick white snow was just an image of somewhere else.

            “It’s funny how sometimes I forget this is a death game and just enjoy what Aincrad has to offer,” I said.

            Sachi frowned at me.

            “I don’t think I could ever forget what kind of situation we’re in,” she said. “I miss my friends who aren’t here and family. I miss going to school and doing normal things with the people I love, like going out for food or going to karaoke.”

            I laughed.

            “You like karaoke?” I asked.

            Her cheeks flushed pink for a moment as she shook her head.

            “I-I’m a little too soft-spoken for it, but I enjoy being around my friends,” she said. “But my point is that being in here reminds me that it’s not real. Everything around us is just digital data. And it feels worse knowing it’s not real, but it can still kill us.”

            That again. I felt my stomach sink. Sachi truly feared death. Her hope for escaping this death game dwindled the more she talked about it—at least, that’s how it came across. No matter what I told her, she seemed to constantly have that fear hanging over her head. She’d once run away, acting on that fear. I’d sought her out and given her a bit of a talk. I hoped my words reached her, but I still worried.

            “How can you manage to see anything positive in this?” she asked me.

            “I think you have the wrong idea,” I said, putting my hands up defensively. “It’s not that I see it positively, it’s just that neither this nor the real world seems preferable. I like being able to walk in the snow and talk to a friend; it’s something I don’t have back in the real world. But similarly I miss things like my handheld game device, working on my computer, and those rare times my mom is home to cook dinner.”

            Sachi suddenly let out a laugh.

            “What?” I asked.

            She shook her head.

            “Your handheld game device?” she said, giggling.

            “Look, it’s not weird to miss my PSP, okay?” I said.

            That resulted in yet another laugh.

            “Isn’t that device pretty old?”

            “So?”

            “You’re funny, Kirito.”

            I rolled my eyes and kicked at the snow. It didn’t act exactly like real snow. It might have been a bit too difficult for the system to recreate individual clumps of ice crystals that would act like powder when kicked up. I stared down at the snow, at a loss for where to take conversation from there. Sachi’s feet appeared in my field of vision, almost toe-to-toe with my boots. When I lifted my head, her face was close to mine.

            At first, I thought she was going to say something to me, but to my surprise, she got up on her tiptoes just enough to press her lips against my cheek. In the cold temperature of this environment, her lips felt warm against my bare skin. She quickly jumped away from me, continuing to walk through the forest as if nothing had happened. I pressed my fingers to my cheek and stared after her.

            “Sachi, wait!” I said.

            I walked after her at a brisk pace. She noticed I was pursuing her, and I suppose that made her panic. She broke out into a sprint. I dashed after her. When I was within reach, I thrust out my arm and took her by the arm, halting her progress. I slid to a stop. Gently, I turned her to face me. I took her shoulders in my hands. She stared down at the ground, her face red.

            “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” she said softly.

            My mouth opened, but I didn’t know what to say. Was that kiss just friendly? Was any kiss truly “just friendly,” though? I didn’t know how to interpret it in the least. I leaned forward. She tensed up a bit.

            “Maybe…maybe this might…clear things up…” I stammered.

            Without fully thinking through what I was doing, I leaned all the way forward and lightly touched my lips to hers. It wasn’t a very passionate or intimate kiss. I didn’t want to scare her. I also had never kissed someone before. The sheer embarrassment of my impromptu choice of action made me pull back.

            “What are you…?” she asked, trailing off.

            “I just…feel close to you,” I said, trying to think things through before I said them. “Most girls wouldn’t just…kiss me if they knew I was born female…but you don’t seem to care…and that feels…special.”

            What in the world was I saying? I covered my face with my hands and shook my head. I’d probably just kissed her without knowing whether or not that was even okay. It was a miracle she didn’t take advantage of the Moral Code and send me off to the Blackiron Prison. As I agonized over that thought, Sachi reached over and pulled my hands away from my face.

            “What you were born as doesn’t matter,” she said. “Who you really are is what matters, Kirito. And who you are is a light to me. I don’t care about what’s under your clothes. I care about what’s in your heart.”

            The next thing I knew, my eyes were wet with tears. Sachi wrapped her arms around me. I buried my face in her shoulder, unable to stop myself from crying. She rubbed my back gently, telling me that it was okay to cry.

* * *

 

            “I didn’t realize that you and Sachi…you know…were a thing,” Asuna said, twiddling her thumbs.

            I shrugged.

            “Well, yeah,” I said. “But you know what happened several days later,” I said, my expression darkening.

            She nodded, frowning.

            “Yeah,” she said.

            Asuna reached over and grasped my hand, squeezing it tightly. It must have been hard for her to sympathize with me over a dead former love interest, but I couldn’t see any trace of jealousy or confliction in her eyes. If it bothered her, she hid it well. I gave her a small smile as I squeezed her hand back.

            “In that moment, losing Sachi felt like I was losing acceptance,” I said. “I know the two weren’t related at all, but she was the first person to look past my physical traits and love me simply for me. Not only did I feel guilty for her death, but I also felt as if no one could ever view me the same way she did again.”  
            I leaned over and gently touched my forehead to Asuna’s. She let out a small sound of surprise. Our eyes met.

            “I was wrong,” I whispered.

            She blushed. I tilted my head and gave her an eager kiss. Warmth spread out in my chest. Yes, even after losing Sachi, I’d been able to find Asuna. I’d feared for so long that she would turn away from me after learning the truth, but yet here she was, listening intently and calmly as I talked to her about this. She wasn’t turned off by my identity.

            Asuna reached up and grasped the side of my face. When our lips parted, she pushed hers back into mine. The warm feeling burst and spread out to the rest of my body. Even in the real world, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. Asuna brushed my tears off of my cheeks as we kissed, refusing to end the embrace.

            _I’ve found it again, Sachi_ , I thought. _I’ve found that feeling again_.

            When we parted for a second time, Asuna was smiling at me with tears in her own eyes. She ran her fingers over my face, down my neck, and then stopped at my chest. Her hand was pressed over my heart. I stared down at her hand for a brief moment and then met her gaze once more.

            “She was right,” Asuna said. “It doesn’t matter to me one bit. I love you. I love you with everything I am. You’re the same Kirito I fell in love with back in SAO. This doesn’t change anything, okay? I still love you.”

            I wiped the tears off of my face as best as I could and nodded at her, smiling.

            “I love you, too, Asuna.”

            Her words gave me courage, just like Sachi’s had back then. I didn’t have to worry. It was the memory of Sachi that moved me to tell Asuna, after all. So, I quietly thanked her for giving me courage to finally speak the truth as I wrapped my arms around Asuna, finally feeling a sense of peace.


	6. Unmasking Ceremony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This took...a lot of thought. I wasn't gonna cover both Silica and Lisbeth in one chapter but then...ugh. It happened.

            I couldn’t stay at the hospital all night. But I was able to visit a few times more before Asuna was released. She was cleared to come to school, which was something I dreaded. Since my sex was still legally the one I was assigned at birth, my parents insisted that I still needed to dress in the “appropriate” fashion while still in high school.

            I did not want Asuna to see me like this.

            It was bad enough to think that somewhere in this school, other friends from SAO might see me. Both Silica and Lisbeth attended this school; I’d caught glimpses of them. Of course, neither of them would be looking for a girl. They didn’t know I was transgender, either.

 

            “There’s something about you, Mister Kirito. I can’t put my finger on it.”  
            I’d agreed to help this girl, Silica, go find a revival item for her tamed dragon that died in a battle I’d happened across her in. She’d been alone out in the woods and I was conveniently nearby. I felt bad agreeing when my reason for doing so was to have a rare item in possession to attract the attention of a red guild, but she seemed so happy to receive help that I couldn’t bring myself to take it back.

            Plus, she kept calling me “mister.”

            “Don’t you have a guild somewhere?” she asked, frowning up at me.

            I shook my head.

            “I’m a solo player,” I told her. “I just prefer not to play in a big group.”

            She frowned.

            “But isn’t that dangerous?” she asked. “You talk about it like you’re still just playing a game, but doesn’t it scare you to just be alone? I was scared just for that short amount of time I was by myself even though I had Pina.”

            My lips remained shut. I didn’t want to talk about why I was by myself. It was layered. How did I explain a series of bad mistakes that led to me wandering Aincrad alone? Simple: I wouldn’t. She probably didn’t want to hear about my problems anyways. I just let her keep talking as I kept an eye on her since her level was so low.

            Eventually, though, she found a way to make me talk about something.

            “You said I reminded you of your sister,” Silica said, looking at me expectantly. “What’s she like?”

            I had said that, when we’d first met. I averted my gaze and sighed. There was no getting out of a question that direct.

            “She’s…she’s not actually my sister,” I said. “She’s my cousin.”

            Silica tilted her head.

            “Then why did you say she’s your sister?” she asked.

            This was getting touchy already.

            “I mean, we’re legally brother and sister, I guess,” I said, hoping she’d get the drift.

            It shouldn’t have bothered me to just admit I was adopted. Plenty of kids were adopted for all sorts of reasons. My parents died in a car accident when I was a baby, so my mother’s sister and her husband adopted me. I’d stumbled across that shocking truth when I was ten. It was world-shattering then, but I should have gotten over that by now.

            Maybe it was just the fact that I was transgender and my parents weren’t necessarily open to that. I was grateful to have parents, sure. But there was always this thought in the back of my head that my biological mom and dad would have been more accepting of me. I ended up isolating myself from my family just because I dreamed of a family that wouldn’t care that I was their son.

            “I see,” Silica said. “Well, you never said what she was like.”

            Blinking, I snapped out of my thoughts and did my best to summarize what Suguha was like by explaining her practice of kendo. Despite my parents being iffy on the subject of my gender identity, she was supportive, just like when she’d defended me from our grandfather’s rage when I quit kendo.

            I wrapped up that explanation as quickly as I could and helped walk Silica through the steps to retrieve the revival item. The rest of our short interaction did, in the end, include the anticipated confrontation with a red guild, Titan’s Hand. I had to admit to Silica later that I used her as bait—which was awkward. She didn’t feel any harsh feelings, though, and in the end, she ended up telling me I was kind of like a big brother.

            I’m sure anyone can guess how that made me feel.

 

            Lisbeth, though. Lisbeth was _very_ close to figuring it out.

            I strolled into her shop one day to ask her to give me a sword stronger than the one I’d been leveling up recently. She handed me what she claimed to be her best sword, and I didn’t think twice about testing it against my own to see how it managed.

            “You BROKE IT!”

            “I…uh…I thought MY sword was going to break!” I said, trying to defend myself.

            “That was my best sword!” she exclaimed.

            She got incredibly close. Not close enough that she was in my immediate personal space, but I figured she was close enough to hit me if she wanted to. I hurriedly told her I’d pay for the sword, but that didn’t seem to satisfy her. Oh no. She wanted to prove to me that she could make a high-level sword to my liking.

            But that meant hiking in the sword to go to some dragon’s lair. Not that I minded doing a little sparring with a dragon. I just minded the company. I think I would have minded it less if I hadn’t been stuck in a pit with her all night. The one thing that stuck out to me was that we ended up spending the night there.

            As advised by Argo, I never— _never_ —slept in the binder. Even as a game object, it didn’t do well with sleep. Plus, we weren’t in a safe zone. If I left it on, it would slowly chip away at my health after so long. I had to take it off to sleep. And it was just the two of us, in close proximity, for the night.

            I glanced over my shoulder to see if she was looking before I unequipped it. Thinking I was in the clear, I removed it. I looked back at her. She was giving me a funny look. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around my chest.

            “Is…there a problem?” she asked.

            I shook my head.

            “Nope, just…cold,” I lied.

            When she gave me another weird look, I started rubbing my arms with my hands. She shook her head and slipped down into her sleeping bag. I burrowed down into mine as well, grateful that she didn’t seem to notice. I kept my back to her. If nothing else, she couldn’t see my front enough to raise the question.

            “Hey…Kirito?”

            I turned my head a little.

            “Yeah?”

            “Could I…hold your hand?”

            The question made me short-circuit a little. But I thought to myself that she was likely just scared. It wasn’t anything weird. She just wanted a hand to hold for comfort. That was something girls did, right? I carefully rolled over to face her and held out my hand to her. She slipped her fingers over my palm and gently grasped it.

            “You’re warm…” she murmured.

            Her eyes slipped closed before she even had a chance to get a good look at me. Lisbeth had been pretty close, compared to Silica, but the event passed and so, too, did her chance to uncover my secret. It was better that way.

 

            But now, I couldn’t just hide myself when my mother sent me to school in a skirt. I sat on the bench, waiting for Asuna with my head facing down. The bench creaked, signaling that someone had taken a seat on my right. Looking up, I saw Asuna smiling at me.

            “I didn’t quite expect you to be in a girl’s uniform,” she noted.

            “Ah…yeah…my mom…doesn’t like me wearing the boy’s uniform,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “She at least lets me wear the binder. She makes comments, but she lets it happen. I think she knows it won’t stop me to just tell me not to.”

            She placed her left hand on top of my right.

            “Try not to focus on it,” she said.

            I just nodded a little.

            “Maybe this will cheer you up!” she said.

            Asuna placed her lunch carrier between us and opened it up to reveal that she’d made enough lunch for two. She laughed as soon as my eyebrows shot upwards. She handed me a sandwich.

            “Th-thank you!” I stammered. “You didn’t have to…”

            She shook her head.   
            “I wanted to,” she said. “Besides, it’s like we’re having our own first picnic date in the real world.”

            She leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder. Embarrassed, I glanced around and saw several people shooting us funny looks. Maybe we were being too touchy in public. My eyes landed on a window on the second floor of the school. A familiar looking pair of girls stared down at us. One dropped her drink.

            “Lisbeth and Silica…”

            My stomach dropped. They weren’t staring at Asuna leaning against me. No, no, they were probably unbothered by that in the grand scheme of things. What threw them off wasn’t my proximity to Asuna.

            It was the skirt.


	7. What You See Versus What Is Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It has been an INCREDIBLY long time! I've done the event for SAO Prideweek, I finished up my graduate school classes for the semester, and I have been interviewing like a madman. I also filled out some requests for my Tumblr followers. Maybe I will post them here. A few one-shots. But tada! A chapter!! I'm working to get stuff done on so many fics but I'm trying not to rush! 
> 
> Also for those interested, I have in the works (and based off of my Pride Week one-shot Faceless) a trans girl Kirito fic! Keep an eye out for when I finally post that! (Me and my myriad trans SAO ideas I can't stop won't stop)

            “Kirito, please come out.”

            What a request. As if I wanted to leave this small space and have to chance walking past either Lisbeth or Silica again. I leaned back against the stall door and buried my hands in my face, sobbing quietly. Asuna was on the opposite side of the door, wanting me to open up and come back out.

            “Kirito, please. There’s no one in here but us.”

            I hesitated, but finally unlocked the door and stepped out. Asuna frowned at me, reached over, and started wiping my face off with a little cloth in her hand. I started crying again. She pulled me into a hug and gently rubbed my back.

            “Look, I’m sure Lis and Silica will understand,” she said softly. “We can even be together in ALO if you like.”

            I shook my head.

            “They already saw the skirt, they’re going to say something!”

            “You’re not thinking rationally right now,” she said. “Which I’m sure has a lot to do with the dysphoria. Because I know you’re a smart guy and someone who trusts his friends. You’re just panicking. How about we step out of the bathroom? You don’t want to be in here anyways, right?”

            She had a point. I didn’t want to be in the girls’ bathroom at all. But it was the only bathroom I could go in without getting in serious trouble. Asuna took me by the hand and walked me outside. I stared down at the ground, not wanting people to recognize who was crying just outside of the bathroom.

            As I leaned myself up against the wall, Asuna pressed her hand to my cheek and brushed away some of my tears with her thumb. I stared down at the ground. I didn’t see her lean in to me until she was too close.

            “Asuna, we’re in pub—”

            She cut me off with a kiss. Someone walking past made a face, whispered something to her friend about lesbians, and then kept walking. Yet another reminder I was in a skirt. I shouldn’t have felt offended by that—but being perceived as a girl made my stomach turn. I shut my eyes tightly and decided I needed to distract myself by focusing on Asuna.

            “You a little calmer now?” she whispered.

            Her hands rested on my shoulders. She smiled at me. I gave her a gentle nod.

            “If you don’t want to talk about it with Lis and Silica, that’s fine,” she said. “But they still can run into you again at school. If you want to talk to them, either in-person or in ALO, I am willing to be right there with you when you do so. Okay?”

            I nodded again. I didn’t want to say anything. She had a point. I couldn’t just hope to continuously avoid them at school. If I wanted to try and remain friends with them, I’d have to come out to them.

            Asuna nodded back.

            “If it’ll help take your mind off it,” she said, “I’d love to hear more about your experiences within SAO and ALO dealing with your identity. In a way, I feel like I’m finally able to hear about the real Kirito every time you retell a part of it.”

            Finally, I forced a small smile.

            “Okay,” I said. “How about one you’re in, then?”

            She raised her eyebrows.

            “Enlighten me.”

 

            He couldn’t be dead. It didn’t make any logical sense. SAO might have had its unfair points, but as a game, it didn’t break its own rules. You couldn’t die in a safe zone. Everyone knew that. But now, our trust in that simple truth was shattered, alongside the image of the man who’d been dangling from the window in front of me.

            “Did anyone see who did this?”

            The voice down below belonged to Asuna. I saw her talking to a girl about our age. She pointed up in my direction. I looked around the room for clues, but nothing obvious stood out. Asuna eventually brought the girl to meet me. Her name was Yolko. She gave me a funny look, one that seemed to indicate something was off about me. After hearing her account, Asuna and I went about putting our heads together trying to find a solution.

            “He just died,” she was saying. “I don’t understand why you’re insistent that it was some kind of trick. How could you fake something like that?”

            “You can fake a lot more than you think within the system running SAO before it registers it as an error,” I told her.

            Subconsciously, I thought about the binder around my chest. The system was flexible enough to allow for something like that—I didn’t see why it would be impossible to use the system to fake a death.

            “Well, think about it,” I said. “Even if you were impaled with a weapon and walked into town, it wouldn’t keep giving you damage.”

            “Or would it?”

            I hummed.

            “Let’s test it out.”

            We headed outside, Asuna reluctantly trailing behind me. I stepped outside of the safe zone and saw the alert message pop up in my field of vision. I turned back around to face her and removed a throwing pick from my inventory. Smiling, I held it up for her to see.

            “I’ll just stab my hand with this and walk back into the safe zone,” I said.

            “Please be careful,” she said.

            “Again, I doubt it will keep eating away at my HP if I walk into the safe zone,” I said.

            I held up my left palm and spread my fingers out. The pick was quite easy to jab into my hand. I noticed my HP start to very slowly drop from the damage. I stepped into the safe zone, expecting the weapon to fall out of my hand and the HP to stop dropping. Only one of the two happened. The HP sat still, but the pick remained stuck in my palm. I smiled down at it, amused.

            “Well, I’m not losing any HP, so we can rule that out,” I said.

            Laughing, I held up my hand and turned it back and forth. It felt funny in the same way that wearing my binder did. Nothing hurt about it, but it definitely felt off.

            “Stop that!” Asuna said.

            She grasped my hand and yanked the pick out of it. She dropped the pick on the ground and held my hand for an uncomfortably long moment before she yelped and  let go of it suddenly. I dropped down to retrieve my pick, quickly putting it back into my storage.

            “So, what now?” she sighed. “If it wasn’t damage from a weapon, then what killed him?”

            “I think we should ask around for some clues,” I suggested. “That girl Yolko mentioned a guy named Schmidt was in their group and was talking about some ghost coming back to haunt them and everything. While Agil’s appraising the weapon again to see if he missed something, we should talk to that guy and anyone else related.”

            Asuna gave me a curt nod.

            “Right.”

            I kept turning the problem over in my head while Asuna and Yolko talked with Schmidt. I didn’t really want to get close to him. The last time I’d had a close run-in with him, Klein and I had raided his guildhall for snacks. In the process, Klein may or may not have slipped up on my pronouns, which he apologized for and didn’t do again, but I still felt wary that Schmidt might suspect something if I got too close or spoke.

            He and Yolko continued on their discussion about a person who had died in SAO coming to strike revenge after a falling out of their guild. I wasn’t inclined to believe anything until Yolko, too, appeared to be assassinated before my eyes. As I stared out of the window at the glass shards scattering, I noticed someone and attempted pursuit, but they used a teleport crystal to get away.

            Our investigation turned up nothing on the weapons used and Schimdt all but vanished after Yolko’s mysterious assassination. Nothing even occurred to me as obvious in this situation. They’d both been injured within a safe zone and we’d seen their bodies turn into glass shards before our eyes. There had to be something we were missing.

            “Here.”

            I snapped out of my thoughts and turned to look at Asuna. She was holding a sandwich out to me. I thanked her and took a bite of it, grateful to have something to munch on while we spoke. She quickly ate her own meal and resumed talking.

            “I don’t know what other evidence we can gather,” she sighed. “Nothing adds up. We proved you can’t be damaged in a safe zone and yet we watched two people die in two days. Can you think of an item or anything that would allow someone to break that rule?”  
            I shook my head.

            “No,” I said. “But we haven’t proven they’re dead. We never checked the wall of names. My gut tells me they aren’t dead.”

            “Would you cut that out?” she said. “I know you think there’s a trick to it, but people did actually die!”

            She reached over and whacked my arm. I ended up dropping the sandwich in the process. When it hit the ground, it burst into little shards, its durability spent. My eyes widened. I dropped down closer to the ground to observe the phenomenon.

            “No,” I said.

            “It’s just a sandwich,” Asuna said. “We have more serious problems.”

            I shook my head.

            “I was right, Asuna. They aren’t dead. It’s an illusion.”

            “Kirito—”

            Just like my binder. It was an illusion that my avatar was male. So long as you knew the right tricks, you could convince or fool just about anybody in this game. But that meant that the person you were trying to convince needed to be convincible—basically, they couldn’t know the same tricks that you knew to bring about that effect.

            “You friended Yolko, right?” I asked.

            Asuna perked up.

            “I thought so,” I said. “Look her up and use a search skill. Something else is going on here.”

           

            “Wait, so you figuring out the trick was because you, too, were familiar with making the system work against itself to change how something appeared?” Asuna asked.

            I made a head motion somewhere between a nod and a shake.

            “So, it was actually the dropping of the sandwich that tipped me off, but I ended up validating my theory mentally because I knew the system reacted certain ways,” I said. “If you combine effects of objects in the right ways, you can make something look like anything. So long as the system registers it as a legal action, you could visually manipulate anything.”

            “But, there are some things you couldn’t hide,” she said.

            I gave a definite nod to that.

            “Right,” I said. “Like, if I took my shirt off, there would be no way to hide the binder, or if they’d have mistimed their fake deaths, we would have seen the teleportation graphics. There are still limitations.”

            “At least in ALO you can play as a male avatar,” Asuna said.

            Laughing, I nodded.

            “Hey, there’s a smile!” she said.

            “Now I don’t have to refuse when you ask for guhfg—!”

            Her hand clamped over my mouth faster than I could speak. She gave me a very stern glare. The same phrase I’d almost gotten out earlier suddenly flew out of her mouth at top speed, reminding me that PDA wasn’t the only thing we needed to avoid at school.

            “Kirito, we’re in _public_!”

            She sighed and relaxed a little.

            “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” she said. “Let me know when you want to talk to Lis and Silica online, and I’ll make sure to be logged in at the proper time, okay? I’m sure everything will be fine.”

            I nodded, unable to speak with my mouth clamped shut. She let go of me and gave me a quick kiss. I opened my mouth to say something, but she cut me off with a flick of her wrist.

            “We’ll discuss the _other thing_ privately later.”


	8. Little Sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ummmm not as much about Suguha as the chapter title implies but as far as titles go I've got nothing...

            “How was school?”

            It was the first question Suguha asked when I sat down to dinner with her. I gave her a pointed look, said a quick thanks for the food, and shoved enough into my mouth so that I could convincingly not talk. Naturally, she wasn’t an idiot. She knew I was trying to avoid talking about things, mostly because I did this sort of thing all the time.

            “Well, now that Asuna knows, I’m sure having one friend you can be comfortable with at school is nice,” she said. “But don’t Lisbeth and Silica also go to that school? Have you come out to them yet?”

            Her question was so direct I practically inhaled my noodles and started choking on them. Exasperated, she leapt out of her chair and ran around to pat me on the back. I waved her off. I was coughing, so nothing was dangerously lodged in my throat. She backed off, frowning, and calmly slipped back into her chair.

            “I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said. “I’m just worried. You haven’t been out to me very long, but I can tell it’s distressing you.”

            I’d come out to Suguha when I woke up from SAO. Not immediately, of course, but certainly very soon afterwards. Perhaps it was the fear of something life-threatening happening again and preventing me from coming out at all. It just felt important. Now that I was in the real world, safe and sound, I needed to be able to try and assert myself more as a guy. This was hard to do with our mom policing what I wore to school, but it would take some time.

            “It’s not like it’s easy to tell people that, Sugu…” I said. “I told mom before the SAO Incident and…you and Asuna had nice reactions, but not everyone is like that.”

            “You don’t think Lis and Silica would be nice about it?” she asked.

            I shrugged.

            “I am planning to come out to them,” I said. “Asuna and I are going to log in to meet up with them in ALO. She said she’d be there in case they do have a negative reaction to it. She’s going as my support, in a manner of speaking.”

            Suguha frowned at me while she pushed around her noodles with her chopsticks.

            “Why didn’t you tell Asuna while you were trapped in SAO?” she asked, once again causing me to nearly choke on my pasta. “You said your avatars reverted to your real-world selves. Wouldn’t that have made you a female avatar?”

            I scowled, recalling my horror at being forced back into a female body in what I’d thought was my safe haven away from dysphoria. Her question was fair—she knew that Asuna and I had started dating in SAO. And from the information she’d received, she must have felt very confused seeing me play ALO. All of my online friends readily accepted that I was a guy—which tipped Suguha off that I had either managed to pass in SAO or was very open about my identity while there.

            “I had a few in-the-know friends who helped me dress my avatar appropriately,” I said. “And when Asuna and I started dating, I got pretty scared that she’d find out I hadn’t been born male. It really boiled down to the fact that I’d found someone who loved me for me. I feared taking off my mask, so to speak, and showing her that the real Kazuto was trans.”

            “Ah…” she said.

* * *

 

            Impulsive. That was a good word for my behavior. I’d kissed her in the moment—not thinking about the fact that that kiss could lead to something more. But I’d kissed her and then practically invited myself over to her place for the night. And what’s worse—she took me up on the offer and interpreted it like…like this.

            She was standing right in front of me, holding her hands over her body shyly, but dressed in nothing save for her bra and underwear. How could I have been so stupid? She thought I wanted to have sex. But she didn’t know we had the same biology. How was I supposed to get around this? I stared down at my lap.

            “Well…well don’t just sit there!” she exclaimed. “You get undressed, too, Kirito-kun! It’s embarrassing being the only person undressed!”

            Embarrassment formed a knot in my stomach. I’d misled her. I’d been as straightforward as possible, but I’d still somehow misled her. I had two options—either I could open up to her and hope that she still accepted me or I could make up some kind of excuse. Even then, I wasn’t sure how to fulfill this kind of a request even if she did know and not care—it’s not like I’d researched how to have sex as a transgender in full detail before logging into a death game. I opted for an excuse. What other choice did I have? Either way, I’d be disappointing her expectations.

            “L-look…I just…I just meant I wanted to spend the night…that’s…that’s all…”

            Slowly, I lifted my gaze. Her face was bright red with embarrassment now, too. Maybe this had been the wrong choice. I opened my mouth to take it back, but the Flash lived up to her name and flew at me, giving me a forceful punch to the head—Martial Arts Skill activated and everything. By the time I’d picked myself up from off of the floor and back into the seat, she’d already re-equipped all of her clothing and was stomping off in another direction.

            I scrambled out of the chair to chase after her. I wasn’t sure what kind of apology to give her, but I had to try something. She was sitting on one of the chairs in front living area with her knees pulled up to her chest. I went over and sat down across from her. She refused to look at me; her face was red.

            “I…I’m sorry if I…I’m sorry for being misleading,” I said.

            She chewed on her lip before responding.

            “I’m just embarrassed I thought you wanted to have sex,” she mumbled.

            A nervous laugh bubbled up from her throat.

            “But I’m not offended,” she said. “You were trying to be a gentleman by offering to spend the night and make sure something like what happened earlier didn’t happen again. I took it to mean something it didn’t.”

            “D-don’t blame yourself!” I said quickly. “I was the one who wasn’t clear.”

            She glanced down at her feet.

            “Are you opposed to…?” she started, trailing off.

            I blinked and tried to think of a good response. The stupid half of me wanted to just admit I was turned on after seeing her in nothing but her underwear, but the reasonable half of me told me to behave. Now wasn’t the time for a shocking reveal. If I was going to come out to her, I needed to do it on my own time.

            “You know, I just thought about something,” she said, saving me from having to think of a decent answer. “When you kissed me earlier…the system didn’t ask me if I was being harassed. Normally, if a guy tries to touch me, I get that little message that tells me I can choose to teleport them away…but you grasped my arm and pulled me into a kiss and I saw nothing of the sort.”

            I hadn’t calculated for that to come up in conversation. Her comment made sense, of course. The system only recognized misconduct between people with avatars of the opposite sex. I couldn’t set the harassment code off if I touched Asuna simply because we had avatars that were the same sex. SAO’s system didn’t recognize me as a male, so I could probably get away with a lot of things—not that I wanted to. People who did that sort of thing deserved to be locked up or worse.

            “M-maybe the system knew it was consensual?” I stammered, awkwardly letting out a laugh.

            “And how would it know that?” she asked.

            I hadn’t thought that far ahead, but it wasn’t too difficult to come up with a solution. The same way the NerveGear did anything else inside this game—accessing our brain functions. It fed information to our brains but also had to read output to know what we were saying or wanting to do with our bodies.

            “It knows what you want to say to me, doesn’t it?” I said. “Why wouldn’t it know whether or not you want to be touched by me?”

            Her eyes narrowed just a bit in apparent thought. She stood up, walked over to me, and then promptly slipped herself into my lap facing me. I thought my heart must be racing out in the real world, with a girl as beautiful as her this close to me. She held my head in her hands and gave me a soft smile.

            “Does it know I’d like for you to kiss me again?” she whispered.

            A nervous laugh escaped my lips.

            “I-I don’t know.”

            She touched her forehead to mine.

            “It’s okay, Kirito-kun,” she said, closing her eyes. “Whether it knows or not, I’d like that very much.”

            Without responding, I leaned into her and hesitated. After a breath, I pressed my lips into hers. I wondered if this was what a kiss felt like in the real world. I wanted to live to know that. My second kiss with a girl—something that would send my mother reeling—was still my second kiss overall; I wanted to relive that first kiss in the real world.

            But if I wanted to share it with Asuna, I’d have to tell her someday.

* * *

 

            “Big brotherrrr….biiiiig brother…earth to Kazuto.”

            I jumped and almost knocked over my cup. I hurriedly steadied the drink with my right hand. Suguha giggled and shoved some noodles in her mouth. Sighing, I shook my head and did the same. She swallowed, wiped her mouth with her napkin, and then grinned over at me.

            “Well, you got my support!” she said. “I’m coming, too!”

            “What? No! I only told Asuna she could come to my _private_ coming out to Lisbeth and Silica,” I said. “You’d just be coming to say something embarrassing.”

            Suguha smiled.

            “Maybe so,” she said. “But I also think it’s better if you have more support present. If things do turn out bad, I know Asuna is your girlfriend and everything, but I’m your little sister. Having chosen family and real family there to support you when you’re feeling down is better, yes?”

            I grumbled and shoveled more noodles in my mouth.

            “I’ll take that as a, ‘Yes, Sugu, you’re right, I’ll totally let you come along for support!’”

            I dropped the bowl, giving her a pointed glare.

            “I never said—”

            “See you in New Aincrad, big brotherrr!” she sang, scooping up her dishes and heading to the kitchen to drop them in the sink.

            There was no avoiding it now. I snatched up my phone and sent Asuna a quick text.

            _Slight change of plans._


	9. Common Complaints

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm very sorry for the wait. Why am I like this? x-x

            I wanted to crawl into an imaginary turtle shell as quickly as was humanly possible. The way Silica and Lisbeth were staring at me, with gaping mouths, made me feel so small. I don’t think they really meant anything by it—their shock came from the realization that I wasn’t cisgender, of course. But it was still one of those things where I didn’t want the sort of shocked reaction they were giving off. It was sadly a fact of life so far.

            And of course, the worst question by far came to haunt me. A question that, whether ill-intended or innocent based on the asker’s lack of experience around trans people, I knew would come up eventually suddenly came right out of Lisbeth’s mouth and stabbed me right in the chest.

            “So, wait, Asuna, do you swing that way?”

            Her tone was so unknowing. She couldn’t possibly grasp how hearing such a question made me feel. It was already an idea that plagued me. Would Asuna eventually decide to dump me because I had the same parts as her? The thought made me shudder. She had up to this point expressed no interest in women as partners. I didn’t want to think of myself as a woman, naturally, but did she see my lack of key male physical parts as a problem when it came to sexuality? A small part of me tried to block that out for now. We were sixteen and seventeen, not adults in a sexual relationship. I could easily avoid sex until I hit adulthood—but what then?

            “L-Lis, I don’t think that’s very polite,” Asuna said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Kirito-kun’s a guy. I like guys. Of course, I ‘swing that way.’ We’re a straight couple.”

            I felt my anxiety go from boiling to a slow simmer. My sister patted my knee gently. I drew in a completely unnecessary deep breath and sat up a little straighter. I had two allies with me, no matter what the outcome of this conversation. I glanced over at Lisbeth and Silica. Silica was blinking at me, her face still betraying a bit of shock. I frowned.

            Suddenly, Silica smiled. I blinked over at her, just as confused as she’d appeared to be moments before. She stood up from her spot on the couch and drew in a breath, just as I’d done. Lisbeth looked up at her, raising an eyebrow. Asuna and Leafa, too, stopped talking to look at her. We waited for what she was about to say.

            “I’m so glad you had the courage to tell us that, Kirito,” she said, flashing me a warm smile.

            I straightened up.

            “Th-thank you,” I stammered.

            She smoothed out her dress, twitched her little cat ears, and then folded her hands behind her back.

            “If you’re bold enough to come out to us, then I’m going to be bold, too!” she said.

            Now, it was my turn to be shocked.

            “I’m trans, too! I’m nonbinary!”

            “Non…binary?” Lisbeth repeated.

            Silica nodded.

            “I don’t identify as a boy or a girl, but you can still call me by she/her pronouns…um…” she trailed off. “I lean more towards feminine presentation, but…um…I…I also sometimes go by they/them…to some people…”

            I hopped off of my seat, walked over to Silica, and picked up her hands in mine. She gazed up at me. We shared a smile.

            “Trans buddy?” she asked, awkwardly.

            “You know that feeling when dysphoria just…just—!” I started.

            “Yeah! What’s up with that?” she said. “I just want to physically be as androgynous as possible, but no! Dysphoria goes and points out that I’m not!”

            The others stared at us, unsure of how to jump in on the conversation. We went back and forth about the struggles of being misgendered or told we’re “actually just women who want to act like X” and so on. No one had a clear moment to jump in, so they just sat back and watched us energetically exchange our experiences—both good and bad—as transgenders.

            “Man, it’s so much easier having another trans person to talk to,” I said. “My family just doesn’t get it!”

            Silica nodded enthusiastically.

            “My dad gets so frustrated and asks why I still dress like a girl when I ‘claim to not be a girl OR a boy,’ and then I have to explain to him that the clothes I wear have nothing to do with the gender I am!” she said. “And, of course, I get the ‘but you still use she/her sometimes!’ And that’s just…aaaaaugh.”

            I nodded.

            “Um, guys?”

            We turned around and realized we’d left everyone else in the awkward spot of essentially third-wheeling our conversation. We both hurriedly sat back down, looking rather sheepish for our moment of connection over something so simple. Asuna was quietly chuckling to herself. Leafa shook her head. Lisbeth just sat there, still in shock.

            “Do you want us to use they/them pronouns for you, then, Silica?” Asuna asked.

            Silica shook her head.

            “I know it’s a rather bold move, but I still prefer she/her!” she said. “I’ll tell you if there’s a day when I want to use they/them pronouns, but for the most part, my nonbinary identity is just me wanting to physically not be male or female. I don’t mind presenting feminine at all. In fact, I love it. I just don’t want the same things Kirito doesn’t want. The only difference is that he wants to change his body to be male—I want to change mine to be neither, if that’s possible.”

            Lisbeth hummed.

            “I didn’t even realize,” she said. “I spent a whole night with you and didn’t even notice you were trans. I mean, how did you even get by in SAO passing as male? Your avatar was female, wasn’t it?”

            I frowned and nodded.

            “But that would be the point,” I said. “I didn’t want you to just know I was trans like that. I’m only coming out like this, well, because you saw me at school. Mom makes me wear the girl’s uniform because she doesn’t want me to be bullied, but I never anticipated online friends seeing me like that. Maybe that’s just being a coward and hiding behind my mask again…”

            Leafa shook her head.

            “No, you’re not hiding anything, big brother,” she said. “You’re a boy. No one’s entitled to know what parts are in your pants. That’s none of their business. It does show that you trust your friends when you tell them something like that, but even with good friends you’re not required to tell anyone you weren’t born as a biological male.”

            I smiled. Silica nodded, clearly agreeing with my sister’s sentiments.

            “Besides, you pass really well online and in person because you’ve practiced lowering your voice,” Asuna said. “I never noticed, other players that you never mentioned as knowing didn’t notice. Even Sugou didn’t notice.”

            I tensed up at the mention of the man who’d held Asuna captive here in ALO.

            “That’s…not entirely true.”

            Asuna and Leafa both cast me a worried glance.

            “Sugou knew I wasn’t cisgender.”

            My girlfriend covered her mouth with one hand.

            “Big brother, what happened that he found out _that_?” Leafa asked.

            I sighed.

            “It’s kind of awkward.”

            But I guessed I would have to tell them, now.


End file.
